With your eyes...

Vibrator?

eyespaintedblack — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 01:52:03 +0000

Househo gave me brillaint advice. Get a vibrator. The thought excites me. I’ve always wanted to explore sex toys. I’m not far gone enough to cheat, or act on any of my sexual fantasies, but sex toys… That’d be nice. But really, how do I tell my husband I want one? Wouldn’t that just offend him? Do I even need to tell him? AND when I get around to getting one… Where do I go? Going to a store kind of freaks me out… But should I just get over that? Maybe order one offline? I’m such a repressed kinky little virgin who has a husband and a kid. I swear, religion fucked me up as a child. Thus me starving myself to lose weight.

My husband stood up for me the other day. He straight up yelled at someone over me. It was DAMN sexy. We had sex. I wanted it to be good. It just wasn’t though. I don’t know what it is. The fact that I know I’m not going to cum nor will he make an effort to make me maybe. I love him, I really do, but if our sex isn’t hot I feel like we’re just friends or roomates. That’s so wrong I’m sure. I want passionate, dirty talking, hot, sexy fucking. Not just him going away and I’m wondering when it will be over.

At one point it felt ok actually. I felt a tingle? Maybe that was the elusive g-spot I’ve heard stories about… But it quickly disappeared.

Oh well.

so i can’t even get myself off now

eyespaintedblack — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:49:15 +0000

i’ve been sexually frustrated for days. I finally had a moment tonight. Silence, baby napping, husband at work- bliss. I start touching myself, I even tried grinding a pillow, which never fails to get me off and NOTHING?

What the fuck? I’ve always been able to do that. It’s always been a sweet escape for me. Masturbation isn’t somehting I’m ashamed off but embrace as much need ME time. And for the first time ever, I couldn’t even get myself to cum.

I’m only 21 years old. I want to be pleased. I should be cumming like crazy. I have a very high sexual drive. My husband doesn’t really understand it. I love kinky shit, hand cuffs, blind folds, photos, porn, girl on girl, everything. But I couldn’t even make myself cum.

Why?

my first sex in 6 months

eyespaintedblack — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 19:06:35 +0000

my husband and i had sex the other night. Not really my choice, I was asleep and he woke me up groping me. It was sex. That’s all. I didn’t cum. I never cum. No lie, he’s never made me cum. I used to fake it to make him feel better, but now I’m just honest about it. He never tries to please me sexually. He doesn’t go down on me anymore. He did when we were engaged then he stoped and said he didn’t like it.

What the fuck? Do u think i like giving you head? No, but I do it. He acts like he’s afraid to touch me down there, like it bites or some shit. But see, he USED to all the time. When we were engaged I couldn’t keep him off me, and he did actually, ONCE make me cum by eatting me out. That was the only time. Ever.

I don’t know what to do.

honesty is addictive… unfortunately

eyespaintedblack — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 14:23:42 +0000

Last night was hell. Again. Our fights keep getting worse and worse. I’m on my period, I’m exahusted. It was about 8pm and I fell asleep on the couch. The baby fell asleep on my husband. I woke up and told him to go lay her down. He did but he did it wrong and woke her up. And that’s all it took for us to fight all night. At one point he locked him and the baby in our room and I banged on the door and yelled so loudly i was sure someone would call the police over a domestic dispute.

I told him almost everything I wrote yesterday. I told him his proposal was a joke and insulting. I told him I hate that fucking ring he gave me that he first gave to his ex, the ex he really loved. I told him that even though it happened 3 years ago it still effects me, that I don’t have anything romantic or good to look back on and remember in the hard times and it’s his fault for being a dumbass.

He told me I’m crazy. He said he didn’t love his ex anymore. He said maybe someday he could love me again.

ouch.

We talked about taking a break and we both seemed to think that was a good idea, but he didn’t say anything about it this morning.

What has my fucking life become.

neglected

eyespaintedblack — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 23:02:43 +0000

I feel so guilty even writing that. But its how I feel. And this blog is for how I feel. I thought maybe it was me. Maybe I’m the reason my marriage has been having issues. I’ve tried being more supportive, hugging him, kiss him, cleaning up.. And it seemed to be going well for a day or two.

Nothing big has even happened. No recent fights or real arguments… Just a certain distance I can’t place my finger on. Not even knowing what it is is the scary part. I always know how I feel. I’m very in touch with my emotions. Today, though, I just don’t know.

I fit back into the first engagement ring my husband got for me. Well, gave me. He had previously got it for his mother, when he lived out of the country. When he got older, his mom gave it to him to give to the girl he wanted to marry. So, he gave it to… his ex girlfriend. He really loved her. I wonder sometimes if he loves me as much as he loved her. She broke up with him and he chased her for a long time. When we started talking about marriage, she randomly mailed the ring back (i wonder if that really was a conicedence?) The day he got it back, he gave it to me.

I was his second pick. I’m the second girl to wear this ring. This ring is a constant reminder of what a failure I am. How I’m never good enough. But he says “That ring means so much to me.” I’m sure it does. I’m sure he wishes it were on the first finger he put it on.

I was watching the discovery channel just now. And they’re filming golden eagle chicks in Scottland. It showed the chick, nearly full grown, on it’s nest just hopping up and down, flapping its wings. Practicing to fly. When it finally took that jump forward and flew for the first time- I nearly cried.

I don’t even know why. It was just so beautiful. And part of me envied that something so simple exists, and I wish my life could be that simple. I wish I could just hop off my branch and fly away.

Another part of me cried because I knew that this was the closest I’ll ever be to Golden Eagles or Scottland, or anywhere else for that matter.

I’m stuck. Stunted. Trapped. It’s not all my husbands fault. I love him, I really do. I chose to get married young. I chose to have a baby. I chose a life of no money, living in fear of the car being towed due to missed payments, afraid we wont have money for rent or the keep the power on next month. Planning in my mind how I coud steal money to buy formula if I had to.

I chose this.

And I’ll probably die this way.

I have a girl crush

eyespaintedblack — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:15:33 +0000

I really wouldn’t complain at all if tomorrow I woke up and was Katy Perry.

just a kiss

eyespaintedblack — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 15:35:25 +0000

I totally failed last night and my husband made macncheese and i had some at like 10 at night. which ruined my entire day of low cal but whatever. today is a new day.

I tried a different approach last night, with my husband. When he got home from work I kissed him and told him I missed him. He started crying. Crying. My husband never cries. Ever. He’s the bigest badest tattooed bearded guy you’ve ever seen. I asked him why he was crying and he just said “its good to hear you say that.” Jeeze. I really do suck at every aspect of my life huh.

I tried to keep the rest of the night light hearted- (thus giving into macncheese) We played video games (no cable here) and watched SNL. We didn’t kiss anymore or really touch. But it feltl ike a little bit of progress.

We’ll see.

eyespaintedblack — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 23:01:52 +0000

i found this on thinningout’s blog. i love it.

what whould u give to be skinny?

…Taco bell or size 00? A day off from the gym or ribs showing? Fitting in with your friends or fitting into your jeans? Feeling “normal” for two seconds or feeling beautiful forever? Second best chubby girlfriend or the girl your man’s friends wish they had? Chubby sitting on the couch or thin enough to sit on his lap? The girl self conscious in her tankini or the one showing off her bikini? The one worried about her thighs rubbing together or the one who cant keep her boyfriends hands off them?…

I fasted yesterday and barely lost a pound. fuck. I got home from work today and had some dry kashi cereal and a little bit of chips and salsa. thats it for the day.

eyespaintedblack — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 21:18:24 +0000

So, my husband got up with the baby at 3am last night. Being loud and purposfully waking me up in the process, being an ass. So I got up with them like “give her to me” but he wouldn’t. so why the hell wake me up? So we got into a big fight. At 3am. I told him i dont feel provided for or taken care of. how i want him to find a job, move us back home ( I MISS MY FRIENDS DAMNIT) and be more of a man for me. I demanded it actually, saying i deserve better. I cried a lot, and he yelled, but im proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I demanded better. I recognized that i deserve better than this, and i’ll fight for that god damnit.

in weight news, this morning i was 183.4. Down like 5lbs in about a week. I can live with that. I’ve been working out too. Working out kills me, physically and mentally. Especially since our apartment weight rooms have huge mirrors everywhere. I hate mirrors. I hate looking at my fat ass. Seeing my huge ankles, my thighs jiggle on the tredmill and my chubby face and neck get red after on a couple of minutes. I have to get over it though, because none of that will change if I’m not working out.

I’m fasting today and it’s actually going good so far. Our fight last night made me not want to eat. I want to get GORGEOUS so my husband HAS to fight for me. He’ll have to try to woe me, he’ll have to chase me, and treat me better because I’ll be so thin and beautful he’ll know i could leave him at anytime for someone else. *Sigh*

abc day… fuck it…fuck my life

eyespaintedblack — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 23:44:03 +0000

yeah fuck it. its impossible for me to stick to this with a husband who expects dinner every night. I have been eatting as little as possible though. and i have lost 3 pounds. I’m at 185.0 now. Fat fucking ass. I’m fasting on Friday though. I work in the morning and my husband works at night- so when he gets home at night he’ll assume i ate. So, the friday fast should get me back into the swing of things. After the fast I’m going to pick up where i left off with abc and start at 100c adding 100c a day until 500c (day 5) then fast again on day 6. I want to be 170 by the end of this month. I’ll do it god damnit. I’m about to go run in this hot as hell sun.

thats enuf of the ana talk. in other news- fuck my life.

im so unhappy right now. I went to super walmart at 8pm last night to get baby formula and started getting choked up as I walked up and down the aisles. Seriously, i almost started crying in walmart. how redneck is that.

I was just thinking, this is what my life has become. My worst fucking nightmare. I’m fat as fuck, i’m unhappy with my husband who has moved me to the middle of bum fuck no where and can’t provide for me or our child, i feel totally un protected and not taken care of, I have a 2 month old (that i love dearly) but i have absolutely zero time to myself, i have no friends here and all my friends from out of town are moving on and forgetting me.. and im 21 fucking years old.

What the fuck. I should be skinny and gorgeous and fucking random guys and drinking and in SCHOOL to be something other than… this. I was supposed to travel the world, get tattooed in New York, find a lover in Italy, back pack through Europe, get lost on the trails in Canada, drink coffee in Seattle and ride horses in Montana.

What the hell happened to me? When did I give up my dreams? When did it become ok to be fat and unhappy? I used to love going out. Everywhere i went I made mens’ heads turn. I was hit on constantly. I felt beautiful.

Now, I avoid going out at all costs. I want to see my friends and family but I’m ashamed at how huge I’ve gotten. I’m ashamed of my life. I’m ashamed and embarrassed.

I have become everything I never wanted to be.